Twilight

Now, I know a lot of people have reviewed and critiqued this movie. Time and time, again they have reviewed it and each time a new one comes out, people go to see it, critics say it is "brilliant" or "fantastic." So, here is the interpretation from a college-age male movie-buff's perspective.

The movie begins with a shot of a deer drinking from a puddle when something scares it. There is a little chase and the thing kills the deer. It is easy to see that the thing that killed the deer has a human build and stupid looking hair. It is Edward, the protagonist, ad he justmurdered Bambi with his teeth. Way to market to pre-pubescent girls, movie. Then the scene cuts to a girl named Bella.

Now, let me tae a moment to talk about Bella. I'm going to be very blunt: I hate this girl. I detest every single thing that she stands for. The way she interacts with people, the way she interacts with her family, how staggeringly stupid she is, and no matter what happens to her it all seems to be beneath her, like she is better than eveyone else.

Back to the movie, Bella begins to narrate and I begin to pack up my things so I can leave my dorm because that is much easier than pausing the movie or turning it off. The main issue with Bella is that she is so unbearably boring that I have absolutely no idea how she can be a credible character in any discussion about film. Every word that she utters has no emotion, no tone, and no reason for being there.

Bella moves to a new town because "Daddy says..." and she attends a new school where, despite every single person in the school wanting to be her friend, wanting to do her, or a combination of the two she still maintains the pedistal mentality, where she assumes that she is better than everyone else.

She goes to Biology and sits next to a vey white boy who seems as if he wants nothing to do with her, until 3 seconds later when he is staring at her without blinking. I don't know too much about romance, but I am almost ertain that is the intenational sign for "I am going to kill you!"

A fter a few painful lines for forced dialogue from the two the scene changes to Bella outside. She is at her truck when a van swirves and is about to crush her when Edward comes out of nowhere and crushes my hopes. He stiff-arms the 1.5 ton van and stops it dead in its tracks. This doesn't work. I know it is a movie and I know that vampires have super human strength and all that, but even a 120 pound immortal can't stop a 3,ooo pound van going 20 mph with one arm and not be moved a single inch. Physics, movie!

That night, Bella wakes up and sees Edward standing in her room watching her sleep. I can't speak for the marketed audience, but if I found a guy that I haven't said 5 words to standin in my room and watching me sleep I would flip a shit. However, Bella thinks that beging stabbed to death, cut into pieces, being thrown into a garbage bag and hidden under someone's floorboards is sexy, so the movie continues.

The next day at school, Bella gets invited to the beach and Edward also tells her to stay away from him. I have a lot of problems with tis movie, but when it doesn't even follow its own plot is when I really start to get pissed off. Edward is stalking her, he was in her room watching her sleep and he wants HER to stay away HIM?? WTF, movie!?

At the beach Bella talks with some guy, who will turn out to be Jacob, about Edward and The Cullens (Edward's family / clan / thing). Jacob tells Bella about some indian deal that went down between his tribe and Edward's, so Bella goes home and Googles it. She finds a book, buys it, gets saved from 4 guys by Edward and reads that Edward is a vampire (conveniently turning to the exact page that she needs to for that information).

The next day at school Bella finds Edward and without saying a word to the guy walks right past him and into the woods! Now, if you found out that a person was a monster made for the extermination and consumption of humans, would you lure that same monster into a dark, secluded, and foggy location where it is just you and the monster? NO!

Bella confronts Edward about being a vampire and Edward shows Bella his sparkles. I knew that this scene was coming because it is one of the main Twilight jokes, but at this point I had to pause the movie and literally yell at my computer until I was hoarse. The person in control of my floor actually knocked on my door and asked wheneverything was alright because she heard a lot of yelling. I told her I was watching Twilight and she walked away!

Anyway, Edward expalins that he can kill Bella at any time becase that is what he was made to do and she expalins that he won't because she trusts him. To this I raise a valid point. Don't you think that every serial killer had victims that trusted them at some point? Jeffery Dahmer or John Wayne Gacey probably had a fair amount of people that trusted them.

Bella then procedes to expalin that she know three thing for certain:
1. Edward is a vampire (thanks for clearing that misconception up).
2. That there was some part of him that thirsted for her blood (vampires do that).
3. She was in love with him.

Bella and Edward go and have a chat in the rain and Edward decribes that he was dying of some kind of flu when he was turned into a vampire and that he doesn't eat people because he doesn't want to be a monster. He classifies himself as a "vegetarian" because he drinks the blood of animals...m'kay?

Edward takes Bella to meet the family and his family attempts to cook Italian food for Bella. One of the vampires asks, "What if she's not Italian?" I will admit that this put a grin on my face bacause it shoed that the vampires were so removed from the human culture that they didn't know that non-Italians still eat Italian food. It also made me think: doesn't Italian food almost always contain a sizable amount of garlic?

After a awkward saunter about the house d'Cullen and more plotholes being opened. We are subjecter to more wire-stunts in the woods because the budget had to be spent somewhere. After some pointless scenes of Edward playing a piano and people watching other people rin through the woods, Edward admits that he has been sneaking into Bella's room and watching her sleep, FOR MONTHS! This, of course, turns her on.

They begin to kiss and just as they are about to begin their midnight romp Edward leaps off the bed as if Bella just asked if vampires could catch Herpes. After a quick scene change, Edward meets Bella's pappy and the Cullens play baseball. I will admit that vampire baseball is actually alrigh to watch. It isn't boring and it is a nice break from the rest of the plot.

The bad vampires show up and want to know if they can play baseball, too. They see smell Bella and immediately want to eat her, so Edward takes her away and tells Bella that he read the bad vampires mind (because he can). The bad vampire wants to eatBella and won't stop until he does. Edward comes to the conclusion that the bad vampire must be killed. They need to rip him apart and burn the pieces.

I'm not sure how I feel about what just transpired because of mny reasons. The mythological part of me doesn' like this because it is new and goes against everything I know about vampires, but the man in me hears "rip him apart and burn the pieces" and thinks "when do we start?"

Bella tries to protect her Dad by being a jerk and using the line that her Mother used to leave him on him again in order to get out of the house. The Cullens devise some random plot to keep Bella safe and the bad vampires kidna Bella's Mom. He tells her to meet alone and she agrees! She pretty much just set herself up to become a human Happymeal.

When Bella goes to save her Mom (as if se eve had a chance) it turns out that the evil vampire didn't even have ehr Mom and just usd a recording. That's good, because if he actually had her Mom the climax of the movie might have some action that would distract from the rest of the story.

The bad vampire spends most of the time given to him not killing Bella and instead he tortures her and gives the other characters ample time to save her. They do just that, but Bella was bitten, at some point. This leaves Edward with two options: let her become a vampire or suck out the venom.

This is just stupid. The head vampire, the one with the most self-control makes someone else suck out the venom, who probably won't be able to stop once started. Also, it has been proven that sucking out snake venom doesn't work, so who should it work for vampires. Finally, they spend a good 20 seconds trying to figure out who will suck the venom out and by that point Bella should already be a vampire.

Edward starts to suck put the venom and can't seem to stop and everything goes all fuzzy. Spoiler alert. Bella lives and eveything is just fine. Edward and Bella even go to the prom together! Yay! Some other stuff happens and we see one of the bad vampires watching through a window in oder to set up the sequel.

Fot wat it is, this movie is horrid. It isn't the worst movie I have ever seen, but I feel that it might be the most boring. All the characters are devoid of any emotion, the plot is has more holes than an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

What I really hate about Twilight isn't the fact that it has taken one of the best old-school monsters and turned it into a pansy. It is the fan-base. Every single time I bring up Twilight to a girl who is a fan of the series they go off on a tangent about how it is the biggest thing since Jesus Christ, himself. I then proceed to poke holes in their perfect world where everything is good vampires and rainbows and they instantly become hostile.

Girls need to understand that the series bad. Guys watch bad action movies because tey have what we want: guys killing other gus with guns and explosions. We KNOW that the movies are bad. Girls, you need to realize that Twilight is the Thaiwanese tsunami of cinema and that the entire series doesn't make any sense! Now, STOP RUINING MY DAY!!!